Ichigo's Mom Is Pretty Hax
by Gliblord
Summary: Oh, Aizen, you got played.


**Ichigo's Mom Is Pretty Hax**

"Ichigo... every battle you've fought so far has been in the palm of my hand."

Fake Karakura Town and every spirit swapping sword strikes stood in stunned silence as the murderous mastermind activated the Hougyoku's tremendous transformative energy, and the whole world seemed to fade into evil white. Ichigo glanced away, his already overburdened heart once again convulsing with despair. Aizen... he'd been behind _everything?_ Every victory he'd ever earned now rang hollow, every nakama he managed to protect remained alive not due to his gallant heroism but because of this cold, alien shinigami's inscrutable whim. Had even his mother's death been just another of Aizen's vagaries! Not even his father's presence could keep his inner panic from bubbling up for long, and his chest seized; he felt like he might vomit.

Isshin attempted a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but he too was forced to shield his eyes as the searing blank waves of Aizen's glorious fusion peaked.

"Now... witness TRUE GODHOOD!"

The cocoon of light pealed back, and Ichigo could make out more and more of Aizen's triumphant new form as the terrifying, impossible man gave the barrier a final slash.

"Gaze upon... PERFECTION INCARNATE!

To which Ichigo could only burst into laughter.

"Pahahahahahahaha!"

Isshin, Urahara, the vizards and the captains doubled over and clutched their sides at Aizen's ludicrous space clown getup.

"They're... they're laughing..." Aizen stammered. "Yes! JUST AS PLANNED. Uh, right, Gin?"

"Sure, Aizen-taichou. Now they're thoroughly incapacitated. Can't use bankai if they can hardly breathe from laughing, see? Not that they were using it before, for some reason."

Aizen recouped some of his composure and tried to strike an intimidating pose, to renewed chorus of snickering-especially from Hitsugaya.

"Come to think of it," Aizen wondered, coolly stroking the chin of his insanely stupid cone mask, "why HAVEN'T any of you bankai'd yet? At least Yamamoto had an excuse, though I imagine it's also because his bankai was actually something lame like MORE FIRE. Can't have been worse than Hitsugaya-kun's MORE ICE bankai though..." he concluded, very loudly, over Hitsugaya's continual guffawing.

"Oh shut up Aizen, you look like my grandma got out of bed and forgot to take the sheets off again. I bet _your_ bankai is MORE HYPNOSIS. Ooooh so scary! Now I'm sad I can't _do violence_ to you anymore, it'd be like kicking a newborn for being an ugly idiot. Why don't you just use your SUPER HYPNOSIS to whip yourself up a form that DOESN'T look like a ghost is having trouble digesting you?"

"Dayumn, son!" admired Shinji, as he wiped the mirth from his eyes. "Some crazy harsh abuse you've been holding back!"

"I'm kind of bitter," Hitsu admitted.

"All I've got to say is, when are you gonna get that zit popped, Aizen? Oh wait that's your face. How far we've fallen, huh? From a centerfold to a tumor on legs."

Komamura joined in on the fun. "I must say, Aizen, you have me wishing you'd invested some of that Hougyo mojo into Tousen. Who knows how bizarre his release would have looked _then_!"

Every time Ichigo and Isshin's laughter drew close to abating, they'd catch each other's eyes and crack up all over again. The darkness brewing in Ichigo's heart had vanished completely.

"Not exactly the response you'd expected, _ne_, Aizen-taichou."

"Never mind. Soon these fools will taste my unbridled might."

"On that score I'm afraid our opinions diverge, Aizen-taichou."

This statement came punctuated with a 13 kilometer sword through Aizen's cranium.

Needless to say, a fair portion of Aizen's confidence deflated at this.

"Gin, I'd thought better of you than this." He gripped at Shinsou and snapped it at the haft, while his space clown hood began to gobble up the rest of the heaven-piercing blade now sticking out the back of his head. "We could have usurped the King's Realm together."

"AIZEN, YOU IMBECILE!" cackled an ominous female voice from within his own soul. "Don't you know that if you get stabbed in that precise point with a sword PRECISELY THAT LONG with the Hougyoku at PRECISELY 98.23% CAPACITY that you unwittingly DIE!"

A woman's diabolically well-manicured arm burst out from Aizen's chest. "I SACRIFICED THOSE KING'S REALM TWATS AGES AGO FOR THE KEY TO KARAKURA TOWN!"

"What in the-!" Aizen started, but it was simply too late.

"How did you know Hougyoku wasn't actually just a device to fuse Hollows and shinigami, but actually a wishmaster, Aizen?" the voice asked. A high heel kicked out of Aizen's knee.

"Uh..."

"IT WAS BECAUSE I, THE HOUGYOKU, WILLED IT!"

Body part by comely, curvaceous body part, the angelic figure emerged from the Hougyoku's core, superimposing herself on Aizen's outline and absorbing every aspect that made him _him_ into her own. The soul named Aizen was no more. In its place stood a brilliant, one-winged goddess who looked remarkably like

"MOM!" shouted Ichigo in disbelief.

"Masaki!" shouted Isshin in equal disbelief.

"FOOLS!" Masaki sneered. "The object you knew as the Hougyoku was actually Masaki, the wonderful mom and wife you two cherished for over a decade! And that wonderful woman named MASASKI was actually always just me, KISAMA!"

"Welcome back, Kisama-taichou," Gin said, never missing a beat. "If I could, just, pluck my sword out of you..."

"By all means, Gin," she said.

"It... might take a while."

"Just as well, Gin. It will take quite some explaining before these monkeys in hakamas can grasp the true depth and charge of my genius."

"What? Huh? Wait, I get it! You're just the Grand Fisher again, aren't you!" Ichigo shouted.

"Nope," said Isshin, extremely dazed but still on his feet. "I killed him."

"HAHA, and you killed him in exactly the way I intended all along! That pathetic arrancar was merely one of a BUTTLOAD of pawns I employed in my centuries of flawless scheming," Kisama cried. "Though you disappointed me, Ichigo, when you flung that one Getsuga two molecules to the left of where I'd planned forty years ago. Now you may all be wondering how in the hell I was able to set in stone even such minute details with such foresight. In truth, I was aided by my EXTENSIVE CAVALCADE OF CO-CONSPIRATORS, WHOM I WILL NOW SUMMON, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!"

"My liege!"

A frazzled old man in glasses suddenly appeared at her other side, while Gin kept yanking the stupidly long sword out of his mistress's ear.

"Uh... who's that?" asked Gin, seemingly not recognizing his own ally in evil.

"It is Ishida Souken, Uryuu's grandpa... WHO IS ACTUALLY URYUU HIMSELF FROM THE FUTURE."

Souken pushed up his glasses. "Those shinigami tolerance seminars did NOTHING," he intoned. "QUINCY ARCHER STILL HATES YOU."

"But wait, I thought Ishida-san's grandpa liked shinigami?" Ichigo said.

"SILENCE," Kisama snipped. "Next up is..."

"CHAD!" Ichigo gasped. "Oh, you've got to be shitting me now."

But even Chad looked confused. "Huh? Wasn't I just in Hueco Mundo? What am I doing here now? And who are you?"

"FOOL. Don't you remember! You've been secretly plotting alongside me this entire time!"

"I have?"

"Yes, but I erase your memory after every encounter."

"Then how can I have known to do your dirty work?"

"Only FOOLS don't suspect that golden medallions given to you by your grandpa are actually mind control devices!"

"You mean even my beloved _abuelo _was in on it!"

"Your beloved _abuelo_ was actually just extremely lifelike animatronics! Just like that cockatiel, who it must be said was my most favored confidant!"

"But that's-"

"I have PREORDAINED that next sentence. And it, INDEED, is."

"What the hell is going on?" asked Ukitake.

"No idea," said Kyouraku, amused.

"And finally, my finest accomplice," Kisama exulted. "HINAMORI MOMO."

Hitsugaya was blown away, to say the least, by this particular development. "Im-impossible!"

But sure enough, Hinamori appeared and prostrated herself by the one-winged angel's feet.

"Hinamori-chan, your spraying gut-blood on the tatami at that precise moment was instrumental to my plan. Luckily that FOOL Aizen couldn't resist such classic villain bait! Though you needn't have sprinkled so much of your blood around in this battle, that was going above and beyond the call of duty!"

"Please," Hinamori choked in utter agony, her wounds from the fight with Allon still not properly healed. "_ta...su...kete..."_

"Aw, she struggling for survival. How very cute. Now, where was I? Ah yes, my indescribably diabolical and perfect plan. Well, it all started when I was a mere embryo-Gin, would you quit it? You should have started pulling from the other side."

"But that side's really sharp!"

Kisama sighed. "Fine. I suppose I'll have to fast forward to the very end. Have any of you brainless baboons ever wondered what all these so-called 'spirit particles' everyone always blathers on about actually ARE?"

She paused for effect.

"...Well, I don't know either, but my plan involves LOADS of them!"

She kicked Hinamori into Hitsugaya's arms and jabbed her head-Shinsou into the air, unlocking an impromptu Senkai portal to Soul Society.

"Come, my minions! We'll use our Karakura Key to sacrifice all of the Precipice World, and then conquer Hell!"

"I was counting on that!" Urahara swooped in for the kill.

"You... just tapped me lightly on the ankle."

"You see," Urahara explained, "the moment you open a Senkai Gate, the more vulnerable that specific atom in your ankle becomes. It's a wide open invitation to attack! Now you'll be cooked by your own reiatsu! Sayounara, Hougyouku-kisama!"

BRUTAL KILL!

"That's a great strategy for a chapter ending," said Kisama, beating her one wing with utmost derision, "but next chapter, which happens to be NOW, it'll have had absolutely no effect, for no adequately explored reason! Buh bye now, gonna rule over Hell, it's gonna be sweet!"

And she and her minions plunged single file in through the gate to the Precipice World.

"I guess Operation Kill Aizen: Ankle Tap has been rendered rather moot," Yoruichi told Urahara.

"Wow, for something I created, there's a heck of a lot I didn't know about Hougyoku. Like how it was actually a demon and Ichigo's mom. Guess I've been napping too much."

Shinji wrapped his arm around Ichigo's neck and tried to console him through witty banter. "So, Ichigo... guess everything really _is_ backwards now, huh, am I right? Tch! Look, dude, so your dead mom is evil now. It happens to the best of us!"

"Jesus, what a week," said Ichigo. Followed by much puking.

~~~

The precipice world.

Koutotsu charged right at her, but Kisama was ready. She held up her Karakura Key and the sweeping behemoth dispersed instantly, providing sheer energy for her intense spiritual transaction.

"Yes! May the gates of Hell open at last!"

The red glow cast by the swirling embers of her nefarious hell portal shone in her eyes as the infernal gulf gaped wider before them.

"The final goal of my plan comes to fruition after all this time!"

"After you, my liege," said Souken.

"Don't mind if I ..."

Hell swallowed her eagerly.

"AUGH! Hell is actually HELLLLLLLllllll!"

"Fufufufufu," Souken snickered. "Wanna go for pizza? I'll buy."

"Sure," Chad smiled.

And so concluded BLEACH.


End file.
